Roots of Conflict
Tracy’s entry on how to manage conflict resolution struck a note with me. In my role as a parent liaison, I’ve noticed a core issue at the heart of every conflict. The core issue is that parents want the educational team to see their child the way they do. They don’t think the team sees their child’s gifts, strengths, and potential in the way they do. And they are right. As parents, taking care of our kids is not a job, it’s our lives. We know what they look like when they sleep, we know what their first words were, how they brush their teeth and every detail of their lives. No one understands our kids like we do.
It happens on the other side of the table as well. Teachers and specialists working with our kids often feel that the parents don’t see all that they are doing on behalf of the student. Or how much progress she or he has made. They feel unseen too. Addressing this gap requires a face-to-face meeting but meetings aren’t usually called just to help the IEP team “see’ the child. We usually have to have some kind of reason and that’s when the focus goes on the IEP and what the team is or isn’t doing to implement it. The downside of this as the reason to meet means that there is a focus on the negative. It puts people in the defensive position even before the meeting starts. One way to help prevent this is to share a parent report before the meeting. (see previous blog)
In this way, the IEP becomes a tool. I’ve noticed that when there is agreement and openness about who a student is, what the goals and expected outcomes are, that the IEP itself becomes secondary. It’s just the details. When a team really gets a child, they usually want to support that child and they are motivated to meet their needs, however they are written in the IEP. So to me, the most important thing a team can do is make sure that every member has the opportunity to share what they know about the student and what they see as the student’s strengths, gifts and contributions. Everyone needs to be heard, even if their perspective is different from the parents.
Another source of conflict is the discrepancy between what a team is doing and what they could be doing. Parents call me and complain that the team isn’t doing this or that. They might say that the team isn’t doing things right. And they may be right. But that doesn’t mean that the team isn’t doing their jobs. Parents want the best for their child even when they don’t really now what best is. Schools are bound to provide access to the curriculum but no where in the law does it say they have to do what is best. How can we accept that? No wonder parents feel that school teams have low expectations. And why teams feel that parents expect too much from them. When people are stuck here, it’s even harder to see the child.
How do you create a meaningful meeting?
1. Work with the facilitator of the meeting to ensure there is time for everyone to talk, starting with the parents. Share what you expect school to be like for your child and what the most important parts are to you.
2. Look for something positive to say about the professionals working with your child. Share it with the person.
3. Listen without comment or interruption when the professionals have their turn. Stay focused on the child.
The more we all practice listening to everyone a the table ,including listening to what’s hard or challenging, the more likely we can find common ground in serving the needs of our children.
It happens on the other side of the table as well. Teachers and specialists working with our kids often feel that the parents don’t see all that they are doing on behalf of the student. Or how much progress she or he has made. They feel unseen too. Addressing this gap requires a face-to-face meeting but meetings aren’t usually called just to help the IEP team “see’ the child. We usually have to have some kind of reason and that’s when the focus goes on the IEP and what the team is or isn’t doing to implement it. The downside of this as the reason to meet means that there is a focus on the negative. It puts people in the defensive position even before the meeting starts. One way to help prevent this is to share a parent report before the meeting. (see previous blog)
In this way, the IEP becomes a tool. I’ve noticed that when there is agreement and openness about who a student is, what the goals and expected outcomes are, that the IEP itself becomes secondary. It’s just the details. When a team really gets a child, they usually want to support that child and they are motivated to meet their needs, however they are written in the IEP. So to me, the most important thing a team can do is make sure that every member has the opportunity to share what they know about the student and what they see as the student’s strengths, gifts and contributions. Everyone needs to be heard, even if their perspective is different from the parents.
Another source of conflict is the discrepancy between what a team is doing and what they could be doing. Parents call me and complain that the team isn’t doing this or that. They might say that the team isn’t doing things right. And they may be right. But that doesn’t mean that the team isn’t doing their jobs. Parents want the best for their child even when they don’t really now what best is. Schools are bound to provide access to the curriculum but no where in the law does it say they have to do what is best. How can we accept that? No wonder parents feel that school teams have low expectations. And why teams feel that parents expect too much from them. When people are stuck here, it’s even harder to see the child.
How do you create a meaningful meeting?
1. Work with the facilitator of the meeting to ensure there is time for everyone to talk, starting with the parents. Share what you expect school to be like for your child and what the most important parts are to you.
2. Look for something positive to say about the professionals working with your child. Share it with the person.
3. Listen without comment or interruption when the professionals have their turn. Stay focused on the child.
The more we all practice listening to everyone a the table ,including listening to what’s hard or challenging, the more likely we can find common ground in serving the needs of our children.
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