I attended a presentation this week with national educator, Nan Henderson. She talked about her work in helping people, esp. children and teens, to lean how to unlock the power of resiliency. Her book and company, Resiliency in Action, offers a positive, strengths based way to look at youth.

What I liked about Nan’s approach is that it asks us to put our attention on all the things that are going right for someone. As someone who parents a teen who is very challenging to live with, I know how easy it is to want to correct, harangue, and fault my son. But who can live like that? I am already doing much of what Nan suggests- I try to focus on what he does well and what his strengths are; I give him specific feedback about how I see his strengths (whether he can receive it or not), and I am not giving up!

Nan’s extensive research shows that one person, just one person, can make a huge difference in another person’s life. That person does not need a degree, a title, or an education. That person needs to communicate what Nan calls the ‘resiliency attitude’, which is the belief and attitude that what is right with the child or youth is more powerful than anything wrong.

Though this presentation was for parents worrying about their teens engaging in high-risk behavior, I could see the connection to our sons and daughters who have special needs. The special education system looks at the deficits in our children and than focuses on how to treat, cure, manage, and cope with them. I want to stop here and reiterate that I think the system is set up to see what’s wrong. I think the people who work in the system- the teachers, therapists and other professionals- look for what is positive, and right and good about the students they work with. We have to be careful not to let our thinking become that of the system. We have to keep our humanity as we navigate the system of special education.

The idea of seeing what is right as the most important perspective can be applied to kids, classrooms and even systems. I often ask the parents I work with to talk to their student, esp. if it’s a middle of high school student, about what works for him or her at school. What specifically makes science class manageable while math is not? What are the environmental factors? What are the social factors? What are the specific ways the teacher works with the student? Then I ask how can we apply one or two of those factors of success to social studies? How do we take what is working for a student, acknowledge that to the student, and then connect their strengths to their weaknesses?

Let me give you a personal example using my teen. As you might suspect his room is a mess, he leaves a trail of detritus in every room he touches, however briefly. Getting him to do chores is not fun and though the chores might get done, they are never done well. I know all this about him and our family also holds the value that everyone participates in the housework. I thought about what he likes to do and is good at-- he loves cooking. He likes to make custom marinates for steaks. He loves to chop onions and garlic. He even asked for a new knife and cutting board for his birthday. So his new chore is to cook for our family of five two to three nights a week. He has to plan, shop, and prepare the meal. Vegetables have to be abundantly present. No, he isn’t good at cleaning up but he is taking the steps to learn that   he now puts away all ingredients and leftovers, and piles the dishes in the sink. But I am willing to do some of the cleaning in exchange for not cooking and for having him doing something that is meaningful for our family.

I could go on with the concepts that Nan presented. I could talk about how engaging our youth in meaningful participation is one of the key factors to a happy, successful life. But I’ll stop for now, give you her website link, www.resiliency.com, and ask you to share how focusing on what is right with our youth has informed and transformed your work.